I just threw up on my dentist
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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