Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I don't deserve a penis
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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