there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
