i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize