I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
