i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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