gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
