every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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