Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
