Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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