last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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