Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
