I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
