I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
