your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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