well I can't set my house on fire every night
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
