that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
