Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
