I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
