I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
