You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Pooping to opera.
Randomize