the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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