i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
