she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
