i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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