A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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