Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize