Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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