I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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