Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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