If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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