And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
