Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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