i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
she told me i tasted like america
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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