well I can't set my house on fire every night
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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