It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
