I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
