If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
