no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
