so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
