I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize