i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize