I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
