i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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