i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
