i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
