There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
