12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
