She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i already hear my dad disowning me
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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