Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
