ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
