When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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