His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
