I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
