Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
