All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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