she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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